Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 27
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.
I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher!
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.