Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 27

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.