Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 27
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."
My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."