Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 27

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.