Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 27

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

I get no respect at all - When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide".

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.