Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 27

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"

My wife's favourite position is back to back.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

And my sex life is nothing to crow about. At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

My wife can’t cook either, forgetaboutit. At my house, we pray after we eat.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, "You come back, you hear?" And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, "Just up the road apiece."

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!