Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 4
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.