Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 4

425 quotes

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, "quick out the window".

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.