Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 4
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.