Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 4
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.