Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 4
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.