Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 5

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!