Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 5

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.