Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 5

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks".

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.