Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 5

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, "If I don't make it, I'll never know it."

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!