Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 6
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.