Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 6
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.