Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 6
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.