Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 6
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.