Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 6
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".
What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.