Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 7

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.