Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 7
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".