Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 7

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.