Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 7
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I'm very lucky. Years ago they had images, like W.C. Fields, Laurel and Hardy, Groucho Marx. But today, I think I'm the only one around with an image. And that image is something everyone identified with. They all feel life treated 'em wrong and they got no respect.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.