Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.