Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.