Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.