Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.