Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.