Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.