Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 8
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.