Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 10

Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea."

Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up.

When I first found out that I was going to win this award, I tried really hard - to care. And then I realized; we are all here tonight, because of a common love: me.

If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.

All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

While my fervent hope is we can get the entire amount. I think we need to have some idea what we would lose.

You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.

I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

She was feeling her bohemian oats.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.