Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 10

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

Well, excuuuuuse me!!!

When I first found out that I was going to win this award, I tried really hard - to care. And then I realized; we are all here tonight, because of a common love: me.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up.

I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.

All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.

It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

She was feeling her bohemian oats.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

It was essential that I never show doubt about what I was doing.

While my fervent hope is we can get the entire amount. I think we need to have some idea what we would lose.

I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.

Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.