Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 10

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

She is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.

You can’t make something beautiful by trying to make something beautiful. Something becomes beautiful in the process of trying to be something else.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself.

She was feeling her bohemian oats.

When I first found out that I was going to win this award, I tried really hard - to care. And then I realized; we are all here tonight, because of a common love: me.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.

All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.

It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.