Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 9

It's not what you know, it's what you think you know.

Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up.

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

We're going to look at it again in June, we just want to make sure we when we do increase purses we can sustain it, we wouldn't want to have to go back once we increase it.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care.

It's almost as if someone took a saltine cracker, crumbled it and threw it in the air. These casinos were barges, on the water, and they were destroyed.

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

Right now we're teaching them that the game is fun. If they learn it's fun, they always go back to it again in clinics and in schools.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.

I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...