Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 9

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

It's almost as if someone took a saltine cracker, crumbled it and threw it in the air. These casinos were barges, on the water, and they were destroyed.

If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.

Sure, you can start now. Fire the janitor.

She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea."

We're going to look at it again in June, we just want to make sure we when we do increase purses we can sustain it, we wouldn't want to have to go back once we increase it.

People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.