Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 9

I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.

It's almost as if someone took a saltine cracker, crumbled it and threw it in the air. These casinos were barges, on the water, and they were destroyed.

A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred.

The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.

She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.

How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?

She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up.

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

We're going to look at it again in June, we just want to make sure we when we do increase purses we can sustain it, we wouldn't want to have to go back once we increase it.

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.