Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 9

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care.

She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.

It's almost as if someone took a saltine cracker, crumbled it and threw it in the air. These casinos were barges, on the water, and they were destroyed.

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

We're going to look at it again in June, we just want to make sure we when we do increase purses we can sustain it, we wouldn't want to have to go back once we increase it.

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.

Well, excuuuuuse me!!!

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

She is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.