Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 3

The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.

Knowledge of means without knowledge of ends is animal training.

If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

I have found that - just as in real life - imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.

I think when the movie `Roxanne' came out, which I also had written, I felt something new that I never felt, which was respect.

You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.