Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 3

This film is only for Madagascar and Iran, neither of which follow American copyright law.

Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.

I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.

By the way, the proceeds from tonight's telecast - and I think this is so great - will be divvied up between huge corporations.

If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

Knowledge of means without knowledge of ends is animal training.

I have found that - just as in real life - imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

She had the personality of a ZIP code in Kansas.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

I'd thought I'd spend time with the kids so they don't turn out weird.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

You know when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

Love is a promise delivered already broken.