Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 5
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.
Mirabelle is not affected by a man’s failures to approach her, as her own self-depreciating attitude never allows the idea that he would in the first place.
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be "in" your shoes at this particular time and place.
We've had some fun tonight... considering we're all gonna die someday.
There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.
It doesn't behoove us not to ask these questions. It makes us look like fools.
Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.
It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary... but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
Hold it El Guapo! Or I'll pump you so full of lead you'll be using your dick for a pencil!