Quotes & Jokes by Steve Martin / page 7

I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.

There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.

It’s not the size of the nose that matters, it’s what’s inside that counts.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

Some nights, alone, he thinks of her, and some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some night these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and Ray and Mirabelle are connected without ever knowing it.

You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer.

Hello. I'm hello, and I'd like to say myself.

All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid." Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be Democrats... or skinny.

I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

Be undeniably good.

First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.