Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 10
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.
I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.
She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?