Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 10

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.