Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 10
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.
When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'