Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 10

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"