Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 10

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Death to all fanatics!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"