Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 10

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"