Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 10
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.