Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 10

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"