Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 9

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.