Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 9
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.
I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?