Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 9

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.

She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?