Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 9

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."