Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.
Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.