Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

The earth is bipolar.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?