Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

Death to all fanatics!

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.