Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Death to all fanatics!

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'