Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.