Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those biker-sushi places. We never met.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?