Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Death to all fanatics!

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.