Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.