Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.