Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 11

I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

I talk to myself a lot. That bothers some people because I use a megaphone.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Yesterday I returned a movie. The people at the theater were pissed.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.