Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

How young can you die of old age?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Death to all fanatics!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?