Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

How young can you die of old age?

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.