Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

How young can you die of old age?

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!