Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

How young can you die of old age?

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

Death to all fanatics!

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.