Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

How young can you die of old age?

The earth is bipolar.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I lost a button hole today.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.