Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

The earth is bipolar.

How young can you die of old age?

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I lost a button hole today.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.