Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

How young can you die of old age?

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The earth is bipolar.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?