Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

How young can you die of old age?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

I lost a button hole today.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?