Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

How young can you die of old age?

The earth is bipolar.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I lost a button hole today.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."