Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 12

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

How young can you die of old age?

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?