Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.