Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.