Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

The earth is bipolar.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I lost a button hole today.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"