Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?