Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.