Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."