Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I lost a button hole today.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.