Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.