Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.