Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 13

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I rented a movie and I put it in the DVD player and before the movie starts, it says, “this film has been modified to fit your television.” Can you imagine if it wasn’t? All you’d see is like a knuckle.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?