Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.