Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

Half the people you know are below average.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?