Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

Half the people you know are below average.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I lost a button hole today.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?