Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.