Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

The earth is bipolar.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

I lost a button hole today.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.