Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.