Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

I lost a button hole today.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.