Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.