Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.