Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.