Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

Black holes are where God divided by zero.