Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.