Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.