Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.