Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.