Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.