Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.