Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

I lost a button hole today.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.