Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.