Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 14

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."