Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

Half the people you know are below average.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."