Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Half the people you know are below average.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."