Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Half the people you know are below average.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.