Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Half the people you know are below average.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?