Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

The earth is bipolar.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.