Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Half the people you know are below average.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?