Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

The earth is bipolar.

I lost a button hole today.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.