Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

Half the people you know are below average.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

The earth is bipolar.

I lost a button hole today.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."