643 quotes
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Half the people you know are below average.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
