643 quotes
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
