Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 15

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Half the people you know are below average.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?