Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 16

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."