Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 16

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

What are imitation rhinestones?

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"