Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 16

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.