Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 16

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"