Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 16
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.