Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 16

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.