Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 16

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

What are imitation rhinestones?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.