Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 16

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

What are imitation rhinestones?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.