Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.