Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

What are imitation rhinestones?

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'