Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

What are imitation rhinestones?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.