Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

What are imitation rhinestones?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.