Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

What are imitation rhinestones?

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.