Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.