Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

What are imitation rhinestones?

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'