Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

What are imitation rhinestones?

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.