Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

What are imitation rhinestones?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.