Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 17

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.