Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 18

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.