Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 18

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.