Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 18

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?