Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 18

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.