Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 18

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?