Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 18

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.