Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 19

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.