Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 19

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.