Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 19

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.