Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 19

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.