Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 19

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.