Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 19

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.