Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 19

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.