Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 19

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"