Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20
Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.