Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.