Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

643 quotes

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?