Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.