Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.