Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.