Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.