Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.