Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.