Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 20

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I found out who the spirit was that designed the Winchester Mystery House. Helen Keller.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.