Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...
When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?