Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?