Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.