Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.