Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A fool and his money are soon partying.