Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... well, to make a long story short...

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.