Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?