Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.