Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 21

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

A fool and his money are soon partying.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.