Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I bought a portable cable TV.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.