Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.