Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.