Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'