Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?