Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I bought a portable cable TV.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?