Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.