Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 22

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.