Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 23

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.