Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 23

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I bought a portable cable TV.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'