Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 23

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A fool and his money are soon partying.