Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 23

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

I have a CD burner... My fireplace.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A fool and his money are soon partying.