Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 23

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I bought a portable cable TV.

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.