Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 23

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

Sometimes I... No, I don't.