Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 23

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.