Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."