Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I bought a portable cable TV.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

What is the speed of dark?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"