Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."