Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.