Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?