Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.