Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.