Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 24

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.