Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My father was a small claims court jester.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.