Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

My father was a small claims court jester.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.