Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

What is the speed of dark?

My father was a small claims court jester.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.