Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

My father was a small claims court jester.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

What is the speed of dark?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?