Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"