Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

My father was a small claims court jester.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

What is the speed of dark?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.