Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 25

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.'

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

I'm a peripheral visionary.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

What is the speed of dark?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?