Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

He who hesitates is probably right.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.