Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

So, do you live around here often?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...