Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

So, do you live around here often?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

How can there be self-help groups?