Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

He who hesitates is probably right.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?