Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I'm a peripheral visionary.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."