Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

He who hesitates is probably right.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?