Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

He who hesitates is probably right.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?