Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 26

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.