Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.