Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.