Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

How can there be self-help groups?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.