Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

How can there be self-help groups?

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.