Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

How can there be self-help groups?

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"