Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

How can there be self-help groups?