Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

He who hesitates is probably right.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.