Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

He who hesitates is probably right.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?