Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 27

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.