Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 28

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

How can there be self-help groups?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!