Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 28

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

How can there be self-help groups?

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?