Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 28

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?