Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 28

How can there be self-help groups?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

So, do you live around here often?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?