643 quotes
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
