Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 28
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...