Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 28

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...