Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 28

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!