Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 28
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...