Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 29

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.