643 quotes
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.
He who hesitates is probably right.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
