Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 29

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

How can there be self-help groups?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

So, do you live around here often?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.