Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 29

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

So, do you live around here often?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.