Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 29

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

So, do you live around here often?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

There aren't enough days in the weekend.