Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 29

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!