Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 29

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.