Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 29

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?