Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?