Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?