Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?