Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?