Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.