Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?