Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?