Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?