Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 30

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'