643 quotes
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
