643 quotes
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
