Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 4

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

What a nice night for an evening.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.