Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 4

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

What a nice night for an evening.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.