Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 4

Last night, I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible.

What a nice night for an evening.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.