Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 4
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
My gran used to say, "here’s five dollars and don’t tell your mother that I’m giving this to you". I said, "it will cost you more than that".
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."