Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

The speed of time is one second per second.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?