Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?