Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?