Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?