Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.