Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.