Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I washed mud off of mud.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I invented the cordless extension cord.