Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?