Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.