Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?