Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?