Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

The speed of time is one second per second.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.