Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The speed of time is one second per second.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?