Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

What's another word for Thesaurus?