Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?