Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

I washed mud off of mud.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?