Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The speed of time is one second per second.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.