Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.