Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.