Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.