Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

The speed of time is one second per second.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?