Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?