Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?