Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I washed mud off of mud.

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.