Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I invented the cordless extension cord.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.