Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”