Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?