Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

The speed of time is one second per second.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.