Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

What's another word for Thesaurus?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

The speed of time is one second per second.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?