Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.