Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I washed mud off of mud.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.