Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I washed mud off of mud.