Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I washed mud off of mud.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”