Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I washed mud off of mud.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.