Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

I washed mud off of mud.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I invented the cordless extension cord.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

I'm a peripheral visionary.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?