Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I washed mud off of mud.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.