Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...