Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.