Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.