Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...