Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I had my coathangers spayed.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.