Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had my coathangers spayed.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...