Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34
I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.