Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had my coathangers spayed.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.