Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I had my coathangers spayed.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?