Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.