Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I invented the cordless extension cord.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?