Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I'm a peripheral visionary.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.