Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.