Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.