Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.