Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

I had amnesia once or twice.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?