Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

A metaphor is like a simile.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.