Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I had amnesia once or twice.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.