Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.