Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.