Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.