Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A metaphor is like a simile.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?