Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

I had amnesia once or twice.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I'm a peripheral visionary.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?