Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?