Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

A metaphor is like a simile.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.