Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 35

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I had amnesia once or twice.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.