Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I had my coathangers spayed.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I had amnesia once or twice.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

A metaphor is like a simile.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?