Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I'm a peripheral visionary.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?