Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?