Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I had my coathangers spayed.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?