Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

A metaphor is like a simile.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"