Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

A metaphor is like a simile.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I had amnesia once or twice.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?