Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I had amnesia once or twice.