Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?