Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

The moon may be smaller than the earth, but it’s further away.

A metaphor is like a simile.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.