Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

A metaphor is like a simile.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I had my coathangers spayed.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"