Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 36

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."