Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 37
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been diss-ing them anyhow?
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?