Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 37

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

I had my coathangers spayed.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.