Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 37

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I had my coathangers spayed.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.