Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 37

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I had my coathangers spayed.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?