Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 37

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

What do batteries run on?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.