Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 37

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

What do batteries run on?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.