Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 38

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.