Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 38

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'