Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 38

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

What do batteries run on?

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!