Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 38

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?