Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 38

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!