Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?