Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.