Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.