Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?