Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?