Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.