Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.