Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

Is 'tired old cliche' one?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.