Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...