Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.