Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 39

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I invented the cordless extension cord.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

The sky already fell. Now what?

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?