Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

What are imitation rhinestones?