Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?