Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

The sky already fell. Now what?

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.