Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.