Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

The sky already fell. Now what?