Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

The sky already fell. Now what?

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.