Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.