Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 40
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it...
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.