Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 5

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

What a nice night for an evening.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.