Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 5

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

What a nice night for an evening.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.