Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 5
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.