Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 5
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.