Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 5

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.