Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 5
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.