Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 5

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.