Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

The sky already fell. Now what?

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.