Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.