Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

The sky already fell. Now what?

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.