Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.