Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

I went into a restaurant. The menu said “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The sky already fell. Now what?

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.