Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.