Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: naive.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.