Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

The sky already fell. Now what?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."