Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.