Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 41

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?