Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 6

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.