Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 6

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."