Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 6

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!