Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 6

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!