Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 7

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.