Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 7

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.