Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 7

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.