Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 7

I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.