Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 7

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.