Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 8

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."