Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 8

643 quotes

I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.