Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 8

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."