Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 8

I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.