Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 8
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."