Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 8

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.