Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 10

Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.