Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 10

Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.